THOUGHTS ON THE BEARD

By Eddie Bambrough

I have recently grown a beard. I say recently, but it wasn’t recent for me. I disappeared for 5 weeks to the rural North of England and then to everyone’s surprise I returned with more hair on my face. This is the result of not shaving for 5 weeks and as much as I would love to say it is a fashion statement, the reason I did not shave for 5 weeks is because I did not go out or meet any new people. By about three and half weeks in, I could not shave as I thought it would probably hurt.

The benefits to my life have been incalculable as a result, or at least they should have been. According to the Huffington post, facial hair and beards can improve your sex life (wish I could tell you) reduce the chances of infection (seems unlikely) and can keep you warm in the winter (I’m still cold). They also don’t mention that you keep getting food caught in it. Studies have also apparently found that men with full, luscious beards are more desirable for long term relationships, and men with shorter facial hair or stubble are more one night or short term relationship material. Again, I truly wish I could confirm either of these statements. I didn’t read up much on clean shaven people, so I guess we can assume they’re destined for a lifetime of loneliness (statistically speaking of course).   

People have also asked me how long I intend to grow it, and the truth is I don’t know. Ultimately however, I must face the reality that my face is now home to an assortment of woodland creatures hibernating for the winter, and as such I can no longer shave. Also people keep saying I look better now, in contrast to how I looked before I guess, and due to my compulsive need to please others, I guess I’m keeping it for now.

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