By Ivo Dimitrov
The promise of a strong body, replenished and in a complete internal harmony – how could I resist? Obviously, I want a robust inner core and powerhouse abs! Of course I desire flexibility and balance! And doesn’t everyone know how crucial well-developed pelvic muscles are nowadays? Before I knew it, I was convinced to join the Pilates cult and sign up for a class. Oh boy…
I have to admit that I am rather susceptible to workout hypes, only to leave later bitterly regretting my enthusiasm. My last endeavour with yoga ended up with me falling asleep, after all. And let’s not bring up that time I couldn’t get out of bed for days after an hour of Zumba. But Pilates seems like a natural fit –little effort that still makes me feel like a super sporty workout god, justifying the two, possibly three, muffins in Dining Hall for dinner.
Entering the overcrowded room, I observe attractive girls in spandex, confused housewives, suspicious guys, dads with that delightful midlife crisis look on their face. The last time I saw such a random collection of people was at 8AM in a Serbian karaoke bar. This variety surely testifies to the amazing results Pilates achieves with minimum effort, I tell myself.
I obediently follow the instructions of my latest spiritual guru, a young blonde, casually talking and stretching her legs. Soon, I find myself on a mat, mesmerized by her monologue about “opening up our bodies” to “discover places we have never known before.” I already feel intense just watching her explaining breathing techniques, sensually moving her chest up and down. When she promises “a penetrating force, followed by a powerful release of energy” I just nod, unable to move even an inch. No wonder everyone is so deadly serious – this girl means business.
Before long, the rest of my class, too, is expertly pushing their hips up and down, breathing passionately, copying the teacher’s every movement. I follow suit and become part of the trance, taking in the electrified atmosphere while clumsily trying to assume the dolphin position. Over the next half hour, I find myself in increasingly complicated positions, forced to retract strange, unfamiliar muscles. It doesn’t help that the middle-aged women next to me seem pretty relaxed manoeuvring their loins like pros, while I sweat and tremble, feebly trying to hold my butt in the air.
“It’s all about the core muscles! Feel them while you thrust your pelvis forward! So good, so intense, so much fun!” The delirious rant continues, but I can’t seem to join in on the ecstatic physical liberation that everyone around me is experiencing. I am pretty sure my buttocks weren’t designed to experience this pressure, constantly going up and down, side to side. By the time we are ready for the cooling down I am dead, feeling pain in weird places, unable to move the lower part of my body.
“Don’t forget guys, you might not be feeling much right now, but we triggered all the right muscles. You have no idea what is going on in your body!” Oh, believe me, I do – this effort better show when I look in the mirror tomorrow. I leave feeling like a hero, thinking of her last words of advice: “You can always practice before going to bed!” I guess if anything, at least my sex life will be better off after this sensual workshop.
Sign up for a try out class! Trainmore, Drift 9