Who Needs Pillows Anyways?

By Ivo Dimitrov

A semester at UCU should be enough to scatter the illusion of a healthy eight-hour night and a fresh and well-rested you for Monday’s 9 a.m. class. It’s time to move on from the unscrupulous childhood lies and embrace the beauty of a sleepless night. Luckily, on campus you’ll find plenty of opportunities to master the different forms of this, to some, mysterious art.

No better place to start than the classic ‘midterms’ week all-nighter’. An essay deadline whose existence you ignored passionately, or an exam you conveniently forgot to put in your diary? Perfect opportunities! Once you have accepted giving up that quality time with your bed, the possibilities are endless. Sure, take your time to prepare – a bubble bath (improvise with a bucket), some candles in your room… Create the perfect atmosphere for you and your computer to become one in the darkest hours of the night, crafting flawless arguments and brilliant APA style references. In the morning, you find yourself in a state of trance with an essay that hints at weeks of extensive research. Bingo!

Should you find yourself in the unthinkable situation of having no deadlines looming, do not despair – you can always count on your friends for some good sleep deprivation. See, one thing UCU students like more than thinking about thinking is sharing their profound thoughts with other like-minded highbrows. A late-night cup of tea quickly evolves into a bottle of wine, as the hours pass and you two slowly embrace the torch of Enlightenment you were always meant to carry. Kant would be jealous.

And in case your friends let you down, there still is the prospect of an endless Thursday night. Why waste your time on rest, when you can gain invaluable life experience on the dance floor, preferably with a few shots beforehand? Don’t even think of leaving at 1 a.m. – you are livin’ la vida loca! After hours of dancing you will naturally end up in a weird unit with a bunch of peculiar off-campus people, enjoying some quality döner you most definitely did not order. Now, would you miss that for some stupid nap?

Or imagine a different scenario: after being kicked out of Voltaire at night (because that’s the person you have become at UCU), you realize you have left your keys there. No point in knocking on your unit door, while screaming, weeping and sending neurotic texts to your unit mates. Of course they would be out of town just as you find yourself locked out. And of course it’s 2 degrees outside, even though it’s the end of March. Now you can look forward to an exciting and lively night, spent freezing to death after failed attempts to climb in through the window. Kiss slumberland goodbye.

Look, there’s no point in denying it: whatever your path to wakeful wisdom, UCU will get you there sooner or later. You and sleep were just never meant to be. Accept it, and enjoy your transformation into a zombie-like insomniac. It’s absolutely worth it.

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