Aslak J. Palmstrøm Augestad in collaboration with Daniel S. Vale
Since the dawn of time, UCU students have been plagued with the age-old question: Albert Hein or Plus, which one is closer? This magical, enlightening and, consequently, illuminating inquiry seeks to answer our number one gastronomic dilemma.
Last Sunday, the righteous and noble Daniel Vale and I were strolling in the freezing cold that currently grasps us ambivalent and adventurous youths. We were caught in a heated debate over the aforementioned topic. Deciding to settle our squabble, Daniel and I set out from the gate. Each armed with a pleasantly pink 30 centimeter ruler, we were to see who would reach the cave of delightful supermarket food first.
Daniel, being the wiser of us two, appropriately decided to remain loyal to his roots in the picturesque mountains of the Southern Eastern coast of South Africa. So he ventured towards the one he suspected to be the closer of the two – Plus. Seeing him confidently measuring his way to the store, I was filled with a sense of true purpose. I was sure: we would finally end this debate once and for all.
Confident about my skills I had garnished from the long and cold nights exploring the Northern reaches of Norway, eating nothing but frozen moss and tinned fish, I set off too.
As I leapt from one measurement to another I noticed the weird, puzzled and sometimes admiration-filled looks by the dazed lemmings. These small rodents, usually found near the Arctic or UCU, passed by pondering what my quest might be. Nevertheless, I didn’t let this embarrassment and curiosity curve my enthusiasm.
An hour of agonizing research later, sweat was sporadically dripping down my rosy cheeks. I finally reached the wonderfully magnificent façade, which adequately frames the breathtaking satiate abode of Albert Hein. All in all, it had taken me no more than 1.2 kilometers to reach this tantalizing destination.
My ferocious companion Daniel had experienced an amazingly interesting adventure. After being attacked by a gaggle of geese and horribly scary pizza delivering squires, whilst simultaneously fending of the Dutch police, he reached his destination after only 0.8 kilometers.
Thanks to our courageous and thought-provoking adventure, the debate has ended. It is now scientifically proven: The Plus is closer! The pleasant financial benefit of this – taking into account the opportunity costs, average price levels and time spent – is that the Plus is by far the more expensive of the two.